Royal Rumble ‘25 Recap - Men's Royal Rumble
We’re almost three hours into this PLE and while your intrepid recapper searches for caffeine, it’s time for the Men’s Rumble. To get us started, we have Rey Mysterio (#1) and the chico más nuevo en el bloque, Penta (#2). Sometimes wrestling is about the pageantry and over the top shit, but not right now.
Just genuinely fucking cool. That’s it.
I’ve been watching Penta in AEW for a couple of years now and the guy is the real deal. He’s insanely talented, quick and strong and great in the air like you would expect from one of the greatest luchadores of all time, and I just really hope that the WWE Universe gets to see what I see in-
Fun fact, I’m watching the livestream replay from Netflix to do this recap but I had to get this screenshot from elsewhere because they’ve edited this spot to use another camera angle which doesn’t show him touching.
We aren’t going to talk about it.
At #3, Chad Gable is in. The commentary team keep referring to his ‘Luchadore problem’ like a euphemism you use in your family to talk about your Grandad’s racism. They are joined by Carmelo Hayes (#4), Santos Escobar (#5) and Otis (#6), who gets welcomed to the ring by a crowd that loves him…and Wade Barrett on commentary calling him fat.
It. Is. Twenty. Twenty. Five.
At #7, Bron Breakker sprints to the ring and hits a diving spear on Melo. Breakker capitalises and throws Melo out for the first elimination of the night. We’re off!
Melo Bron don’t miss.
Bron follows up with a spear to Santos who has Penta on his shoulders. He picks up Santos and sends him over the top rope for the second elimination of the night.
As Akira Tozawa (#8) makes his way to the ring, he passes Melo who decides that actually, Tozawa’s not entering the Rumble. Melo cleans his clock, leaving him out cold in the entrance way. Adam Pearce and some officials help him to the back, where Triple H orders IShowSpeed into the Rumble to replace him. I do not know this man but the crowd seems pumped.
This is maybe the funniest tweet I’ve ever read.
Speed helps Bron eliminate Otis, and then decides that would be a good time to do a backflip. Bron Breakker responds as any of do when confronted with Youths, i.e. with rage. While Speed is basking in the crowd response, Bron hits the ropes twice and delivers probably the best spear he’s ever hit.
I don’t love stunt casting, but if it results in more of this I’m all for it.
Bron gets Speed above his head and throws him out of the ring where Otis catches him, thus technically saving him from elimination. That reprieve is momentary though, as Otis gets payback for his elimination and Speed replacing his friend by tossing him into The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk, and Speed hits hard and falls to the floor for the fourth elimination of the match. Otis gets the credit for that one but Breakker threw him out, so as far as we’re concerned, Bron is batting .1000 so far.
In at #12, we have a bunch of weirdly racist adjectives in a red singlet - at least that’s how the commentary team seems to see the ‘wild’, ‘lawless’, ‘feral’, ‘unhinged’ ‘thug’ Jacob Fatu.
Seriously.
As Fatu climbs into the ring Penta approaches, and as he is giving his signature ‘Cero Miedo’ to Fatu, Jacob clocks him.
Cero Miedo? More like…cero teeth left in your head. Is this anything?
Fatu quickly moves the match along, eliminating Gable, Rey and Andrade (#11) in about a minute. Fatu and Breakker start to face off but Jimmy Uso (#10) and Sheamus (#9) break that party up with a kick to each of them.
Ludwig Kaiser is our thirteenth entrant, which proves to be very unlucky as he lasts six seconds before being eliminated by Penta.
It took me longer to get this screenshot than Ludwig lasted in the match.
At #15, Scotland’s real Ambassador to the US makes his hotly anticipated Rumble debut - it’s Joe Hendry time!
Big high fives to the graphics team for this one.
Hendry gets a great pop and follows it up with some nice initial work in the ring. He starts to get the crowd clapping and stomping along to the tune of We Will Rock You, when Fatu decides he’s heard enough and knocks him to the ground. Sheamus doesn’t take kindly to his entertainment being interrupted and picks a fight with Fatu as we start counting down to #16.
Probably the funniest moment of the night.
Once that countdown is over, Roman Reigns’ music hits to a huge pop. He gets in to the ring and hits a spear on The Miz (#14) and eliminates him, and quickly scores two more as he spears and dispenses of Sheamus and Joe Hendry in short order.
Reigns locks eyes with Bron Breakker and they both wind up to deliver spears, but Breakker is quicker and gets his spear off first. I like to think that moment was a little passing of the torch, an acknowledgement (see what I did there aren’t I clever?) of Bron by Roman. But like all good things, this moment must end, and it does so with Bron trying to eliminate Roman, getting reversed, and ending up eliminated himself at the hands of the OTC.
Jimmy helps Roman up and it looks like we might see the OG Bloodline clean house for a minute, but Fatu seizes the moment and delivers a superkick to Big Jim, making for little resistance as Fatu throws him over the rope to the ground.
‘I helped out my cousin at the Royal Rumble and all I got was this lousy concussion.’
Penta is still in this thing, his plot armor having protected him since the opening bell, and is facing a double team from Fatu and FNN BLR (#18). Penta gets a little breathing room and jumps off Finn’s back to deliver a Mexican Destroyer to Fatu.This rules and is one of the most cleanly hit moves of the night, but Balor sees an opportunity while he’s recovering, and manages to eliminate him. Will that stint of Penta’s be long enough to claim this year’s Iron Man? There’s still 11 entrants to come…
…and the first of those at #20 is Jey Uso! The crowd absolutely loses it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a wrestler this capital O Over. Yeet.
Jey starts by squaring off with Finn and hitting a spear on Drew before throwing hands with Jacob. After the initial flurry of activity, Shinsuke Nakamura (#19) decides he wants a piece and Jey decides it’s time for Shinsuke to go, actually, earning him his first elimination and the 15th of the match.
This is the same face I make when it’s 10:28am and the kid behind the counter at McDonald’s won’t let me order breakfast.
Spot #21 sees the return of AJ Styles! We haven’t seen him since October and the crowd welcomes him back with a big pop. He faces off with Fatu and gets in a couple of classic AJ Styles moves before Fatu manages a high back drop which slows the pace. It’s just as well everyone is taking a second to catch their breath too, because one big SOB is in at #22. Braun Strowman charges to the ring and takes aim directly at Fatu, hoping to get a little payback for the way their match at Saturday Night’s Main Event ended.
Fatu and Strowman go at each other and Strowman is able to hit a cross body on Fatu which gives him enough breathing room to get Fatu up on his shoulders and throw him out. Fatu does his part for the safety of the locker room and channels his anger into an attempt to dismantle The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk.
Alas, the motherfucker remains undefeated.
While Fatu finishes scaring the white men on commentary, we start counting down to entrant #23, and it’s finally time: the champ is here to enter his last Royal Rumble match!
Cena and cameraman Stu is one of the great relationships of our age.
Cena quickly gives the crowd what they came for as he manages to pull down on the top rope and a charging Strowman goes over the top and out to the floor. While Cena is celebrating, Balor gets him over the top rope and out onto the apron. When Finn realises he hasn’t eliminated Cena he charges back at him, getting close enough for Cena to scoop him up and hit an Attitude Adjustment, sending Finn into the waiting arms of Strowman who was clearly supposed to catch him…but doesn’t. Finn’s out too.
Resting botch face.
CM Punk is up next at #24, and he climbs into the ring to have a standoff with Cena and Reigns which lasts the rest of the two minutes between his entrance and the next competitor, so before anything can happen we count down to #25 and it’s time for Seth Rollins to join the party. He has history with all three of these dudes but decides to focus on the most recent past as he sprints to the ring and flies straight at Punk. The other guys in the ring (Uso, Styles and McIntyre) suddenly remember they’re in the middle of a match and decide to start brawling. As the action heats up, Dominik Mysterio’s music hits as he enters at #26.
He hits a frog splash from the top rope on Cena, before trying the three amigos on Roman which results in him getting countered and laid out in the corner. While Roman is dealing with him, we get Sami Zayn entering at #27 and Damian Priest at #28.
You can’t say he isn’t living up to the bisexual Undertaker label.
Priest is the first of the fresh entrants to score an elimination as he hits a South of Heaven on Dominik and sends him over the top. As Mysterio makes his way to the back, the countdown to #29 begins and LA Knight (yeaaaaaaah) makes his first Rumble appearance. He and Jey start slugging it out in the middle of the ring to a chorus of yeets and yeahs.
Yeet vs Yeah is the new Edward vs Jacob. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Sami helps Roman to his feet, and Drew pushes Roman into Sami and then manages to get him on to the apron. Jey comes to his aid and succeeds in distracting McIntyre, but as he lines up for a super kick on Drew, Drew dodges and Jey accidentally sends the Honorary Uce flying to the floor. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it is the 20th elimination of the evening.
We don’t have time to feel for Sami though, as it’s time for our final entrant of the night. At #30, it’s several grifts in a trenchcoat, better known as Logan Paul.
Me listening to 75,000+ people booing the shit of Logan Paul.
Paul’s entrance is quickly followed by another elimination. McIntyre is dragging Jey towards the ropes, and Priest follows them and uses Drew’s momentum against him to get him over the top rope and out of the Rumble.
MFW I’m going to take LA Knight’s head off the next time I see him.
Logan Paul is responsible for executing this year’s The Floor Is LavaTM spot, and while he’s on the commentary desk jawing LA Knight hits a Blunt Force Trauma on Priest in the ring, and then throws him out of the match. Knight then goes after Seth, and after he delivers a hip bump to Rollins in the corner, AJ Styles picks Knight up and sends him on his way. As Paul is trying to make his way back to the ring by balancing on the barricade, Styles is dumped onto the apron by Rollins. Logan takes this opportunity to jump from the barricade to the ring steps, and pull Styles off the apron, eliminating the Phenomenal One from proceedings.
We’re down to six - Cena, Jey, Roman, Punk, Rollins and Paul. Everyone starts to pair off and fight until we’re eventually left with Rollins and Roman standing.
Hang it in the Louvre.
They duke it out and Seth looks for a stomp which he misses, Roman tries to hit a Superman punch which Seth counters into an attempted Pedigree, which Roman in turn counters by getting Seth on his shoulders and trying to dump him out of the ring. Seth pushes them back away from the ropes and Roman tries again on the other side of the ring where he gets Seth over but he clings to the top rope with everything he has. As Roman tries to make him let go, Punk scrambles to his feet and flips Roman over the top rope, and the momentum eliminates them both. Paul sees what happened and thinks ‘hey, I can do that too’ and he eliminates CM Punk.
Heartbreaking: the worst person you know just made a great elimination.
We’re down to three, but before we can get to that we have to have a little Royal Rumble Untucked moment as Rollins, Reigns and Punk continue the fight on the outside. Seth stomps Roman and then starts swinging on Punk as officials move in to try and break them up. Roman is pulling himself up on the ring stairs as Rollins breaks free of the referees and stomps him again, before the three of them disperse.
Back to the in-ring action, and Jey and Paul start slugging it out. Cena gets involved and manages to get both Jey and Logan up on his shoulders, looking for a double Attitude Adjustment. Jey slips off and lands a superkick to Logan, and Cena abandons the move to throw a dazed Paul out of the ring.
Wade Barrett called this ‘the most popular eviction of the night’. He’s not wrong.
And then there were two: the most over man in the company right now and arguably the most over man of all time will finish this one off. They start trading blows and Cena gets Jey into position and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Jey gets up and Cena puts him on his shoulders, ready to hit the Attitude Adjustment. Jey gets off and super kicks him against the ropes. Cena fights back into the center of the ring and after a lock up, Jey hits a spear and both men are down. As they struggle to their feet, Jey looks for an elimination, but Cena reverses. He gets Jey over the top rope but not out of the match, but he doesn’t realise and begins celebrating. Once he notices that Jey isn't out yet, Cena runs at him and Jey pulls down the top rope and now both men are precariously balanced on the apron. After trading blows out there for a minute Jey hits a super kick but Cena just manages to hang on! Cena gets Jey on his shoulders again, because that’s worked so well thus far, but Jey slides off and back inside the ring. From the safety of the inside of the ropes, Jey manages to shove Cena which sends him to the floor.
Jey Uso is your 2025 Men’s Royal Rumble Champion! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
This was a nice moment.