Royal Rumble ‘25 Recap
The world may be on fire, but there are still a few certainties in life: death, taxes, and the coming together of millions at the start of every year to celebrate our fellow humans throwing each other out of a wrestling ring over the top rope.
It’s Indy.
It’s the Road To WrestlemaniaTM.
It’s Royal Rumble 2025.
LFG.
Women’s Rumble
Iyo Sky is in at #1, kicking things off with Liv Morgan at #2. Michael Cole gets a statistic wrong on commentary before the bell has even rung, which is very on brand. At #3, Roxanne Perez joins the fray.
At #4, it’s Lyra Valkyria!
I actually really like Lyra, but I couldn’t resist this bit.
The freshly minted Women’s Intercontinental Champion comes to the ring, and I make an entry in my gratitude journal because the WWE Universe finally has something to woo about other than Ric fucking Flair. Lyra starts making light work of the three other women in the ring, and goes looking for a suplex on Iyo Sky but Iyo’s arm around her neck breaks the halter strap holding up her top! Somewhere in Manhattan Tim Gunn is breaking out in a cold sweat and he has no idea why. I don’t really have a funny haha bit for this but Liv Morgan jumping up and shoving her across the ring so she could get off camera for a few seconds and get her gear fixed? She’s a real one for that.
Liv, I owe you an apology. I wasn’t really familiar with your game.
Lash Legend is in at #9, and shows that NXT didn’t come play by clearing the ring by swinging Ivy Nile (#7) around like she’s Leo on the Titanic and Ivy is Rose. B-Fab (#6) recovers first and she spars with Legend for a minute before synchronised high kicks send them both to the mat, at which point Chelsea Green (#5) strikes, throwing B-Fab over the top for the first elimination of the match. Snaps for you Chelsea, you’re doing great babe.
The ring isn’t down to eight women for long though, as we get the countdown to entrant #10 and Bianca Belair’s music hits. The crowd gets a refresher in counting to ten as not one, not two, but five of the women in the match run at Belair in the corner, only for her to dodge each of them and stack them up on top of each other, so she can climb to the second rope and deliver ten punches to each.
One, ah ah ah. Two, ah ah ah.
After math class wraps up, Shayna Baszler comes in at #11 and she and Zoey Stark (#8) try to team up on Lyra. Lyra survives their attempt at throwing her out, makes it to the top rope and delivers a dropkick to both of them, only to then be thrown out by Nile, which is elimination number two.
Maxxine Dupris (#14) gets the next elimination on the perennial thorn in her side Nile, only to immediately follow her over the top rope thanks to Stark and her PFC teammate Sonya Deville.
I racked my brain for a while trying to figure out who Maxxine’s new style reminded me of before it hit me. (This is a compliment, Kylie rules)
Naomi enters at #15, and we’re officially at the halfway mark. Pat reminds us that the initial entrants are still in the ring at 30+ minutes and must be tiring, and showing incredible comedic timing Iyo hits a gorgeous Moonsalt but then briefly attempts a cover on Deville. She’s tired, ok? Give her a break. Muscle memory is a thing. Thankfully we don’t have time to dwell on that because it’s TIME FOR MANY THINGS TO HAPPEN AT ONCE. As Sky and Deville are getting back up, Belair and Naomi throw Stark out of the ring, quickly followed by Bayley (#12) eliminating Baszler and Iyo remembering how the match is won and eliminating Deville.
Sorry, Sonya.
NXT’s Jaida Parker is up next at #16, and while she and Legend are getting reacquainted and kikiing with Belair and Naomi, Green inserts herself, causing Legend to accidentally kick Parker in the face. While Lash is reeling from that Green strikes and gets herself another elimination and sends Legend back to the dressing room.
Green quickly gets another reason to celebrate as Piper Niven comes in as entrant #17.
Chelsea Green looked at Piper coming down that walkway the way I look at a double cheeseburger when I’m drunk.
Chelsea and Piper team up, but then Naomi gets Chelsea over the top rope and as she’s trying to fight her way back in, Piper rushes over to help and Naomi dodges her, leading to Piper knocking Chelsea off the apron and eliminating her. Whoopsie!
Piper asking Chelsea for a favour after this happened.
At #19, Jordynne Grace is in the building! She wastes very little time in eliminating Jaida Parker with the sheer power of her ass alone, and then hitting a Death Valley Driver on Piper just to make sure we understand how strong she is.
I mean. There are worse ways to go.
At #21, we get the most welcome surprise of the night so far - Alexa Bliss is back!
Again, I don’t have a funny haha bit for this. I just think she’s neat.
Liv Morgan started this match and is still in it after 10 eliminations, and at #26 she finally gets some help as Raquel Rodriguez comes to the ring. Before long she manages to get Natalya (#18) over the top rope, where Liv is waiting to hit her with a Codebreaker, sending her to the floor and home for the night.
As Raquel tries to help Liv back into the ring after the elimination, Alexa Bliss charges at Liv and tries to knock her off the apron. Raquel catches her and throws her over the top, where Liv hits another Codebreaker and Alexa’s first match back in the WWE is finished as she is eliminated. We count down to #27, and the unmistakable music of Charlotte Flair hits. Every inch of her costume is bedazzled, including her knee brace, which means the only possible answer to the question ‘what did you do with your time away from the ring, Charlotte?’ is ‘binged RuPaul’s Drag Race’.
Put on a shiny sequence gown.
We’re immediately treated to some chops to Jordynne Grace so the crowd can get their obligatory woos in, and before long Charlotte flips herself over the top rope to avoid heavy impact in the corner, where she encounters Michin (#20) on the apron. A trademark Charlotte high kick ends Michin’s evening and after a nice little spot where she gets a double DDT off on Jordynne and Stephanie Vaquer (#24), Charlotte quickly picks up another elimination on Piper.
Entrant #28 is the NXT Women’s Champion Giulia, who has come dressed as a genderbent Scorpion from Mortal Kombat and I am here. For. It. She locks up with her old buddy from Japan, Iyo, before tangling with Jordynne Grace and eventually getting her over the rope and off the apron for her first ever Rumble elimination.
FINISH HER.
We then turn to the next chapter of Paul Leveque And The Mind Boggling Push Of Nia JaxTM as she enters the Rumble at #29. She doesn’t even get into the ring before getting her first elimination, pulling Zelina Vega (#22) off the apron where she had been fighting with Trish Stratus (#25). Jax and Stratus start jawing and Candice LeRae (#23) tries to take advantage of the distraction to get Trish out, but it backfires and ends in Trish throwing Candice out for the 17th elimination of the night.
Thank you, Trish!
After she dispatches Candice, Trish turns back to Nia and the two of them go at it. Nia carries Trish from the center of the ring to the ropes and dumps her on the apron where Candice tries to pull her off, but Trish manages to fight her off. Unfortunately for her, this gives Nia the window she needs and she collides with Trish, sending her off the apron for her second elimination of the night.
As Nia turns her attention to the women in the ring, the countdown begins to our final entrant and coming in at #30 we have Nikki Bella!
I was excited to see Nikki, but I did do this upon realising she was the last entrant and Becky Lynch wasn’t coming.
As Nikki climbs into the ring, it’s time for one of the most important moments in any Rumble: The Let’s All Gang Up On The Biggest, Strongest Person In The Ring SpotTM! Tonight’s Chosen One is Nia.
*Record scratch* Yep, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I ended up in this situation…
Nine(!) women put their collective force behind trying to eliminate Nia. Spoilers: it doesn’t work. She sends them tumbling to the mat, at which point Nikki Bella realises she hasn’t gotten her reps in for the day so she decides to do some pushups. Roxanne Perez (who entered at #4 and is showing remarkable staying power) has been wrestling for about an hour at this stage and is probably delirious so she…joins in? Sure. Why not. This leads to the two of them squaring off, with Nikki managing to get Roxanne over the top rope. While she’s on the apron, Stephanie Vacquer and Iyo also tumble over the top and join her, with both Iyo and Stephanie coming within centimeters of elimination. Liv and Raquel try to score some eliminations by forcing the three of them off the apron, but then Bianca and Naomi tip them over the top as well. The five women on the outside manage to also get Bianca and Naomi over the top, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for The Spot Where The Target Of The Last Spot Gets Their RevengeTM (not to be confused with Shit This Thing Is Running Long We Need To MoveTM)! With seven women prone on the apron Nia pounces, and we farewell Iyo, Stephanie, Bianca, Naomi and Raquel, with Roxanne and Liv just hanging on.
And then there were seven six five, as Nia follows up with a quick elimination on Liv, and Roxanne eliminates Giulia after they scrap on the apron with Charlotte for a minute. Roxanne then manages to get Bayley over the top, and as Nia comes to try and eliminate Bayley from the apron, Bayley manages to get a hold of her long enough for Nikki Bella to wind up and run at her, but Nia dodges and Bayley bites it. Nia then throws Nikki over the top too, and we are down to our final three.
As Nia and Charlotte decide that now is a good time for a staring contest, Roxanne strikes at Charlotte’s bad knee and goes on the offensive against her. Roxanne is working the knee in the corner when Nia runs in and breaks things up, and Roxanne responds by trying to jump on her back. Nia carries her to the ropes and starts to push her off the apron when Charlotte recovers and picks up Nia’s legs, throwing her over the top and letting the momentum carry her to the floor while Roxanne manages to hang on!
When some tea you’ve known for a long time becomes public and you have to act surprised.
Charlotte wastes little time in trying to knock Roxanne off the apron as she tries to get back up, and eventually backs up and plants a kick square on her chin, eliminating her. Charlotte Flair is your 2025 Women’s Royal Rumble champion! Welcome back Queen. We’ve missed you.
All hail The Queen.
WWE Tag Team Title Match - DIY vs Motor City Machine Guns, Best Two Out Of Three Falls
An actual factual tag title match between two actual factual tag teams, with an actual factual interesting stipulation? In my WWE? Right in front of my salad? What a time to be alive.
A rare shot from inside Nothing Rhymes With Kayfabe HQ.
Your favourite tag team’s favourite tag team have made a big impact since their WWE debut, and the storyline with DIY has been pretty interesting - it’s personal, there’s history and stakes. We start this match off with both teams showing us what clever little coordinated boys they are, executing some synchronised moves that would put the North Korean military to shame before DIY send MCMG hurtling towards each other, forcing them to deploy the most devastating counter in existence: the do-si-do.
Dazzled by their moves, DIY find themselves on the back foot and quickly out on the floor. Chris Sabin dives out of the ring and knocks them both into the Netflix era’s biggest heel: The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk.
Again, I don’t have a bit for this. These new desks are a fucking menace and someone is going to get very hurt before long.
After DIY manage to recover and pull themselves back into the ring, Champa and Sabin are struggling on the mat, each looking for a tag. As they both dive for their corners, Alex Shelley tags in for MCMG but Johnny Gargano pulls his hand away at the last second, leaving Champa the legal man for DIY, but charges at Shelley as though the tag was made. While Shelley is distracted delivering a kick to Gargano, Champa lines up for a running knee, pins Shelley and gets the first fall of the match!
Ah yes, the old ‘down low, too slow’.
It’s time for the nation’s favourite game: TOOTH! GUM! OR! SPIT!
We get some good back and forth after this, and then Shelley manages to take out both members of DIY, leading to Champa rolling out of the ring and then crawling underneath it, so he can pop up near MCMG’s corner undetected and try to pull Chris Sabin off the apron.
After Champa gets in the way long enough to cause an MCMG tag to be missed by the ref, they eventually dump DIY back outside the ring where Sabin decides it’s as good a time as energy to practice his punting. No football? No problem. DIY’s heads will do.
TOOTH! GUM! OR! SPIT! Champa edition.
After Sabin manages to get Gargano back in the ring and Shelley keeps Champa at bay with a DDT on the apron, Sabin jumps to the second rope and hits a tornado DDT on Gargano. Sabin gets Gargano in their corner, tags Shelley and then they hit the Skull and Bones, leaving Shelley to pin Johnny Wrestling for the second fall. We’re all tied up at one apiece!
Me, enjoying the match and pretending to be shocked that it’s coming down to the final fall.
MCMG start the final fall with momentum, but DIY quickly get themselves back in it. After Shelley breaks up a pinfall attempt, he and Gargano square off outside the ring as Champa hits a textbook Project Champa on Sabin, which Sabin somehow kicks out of.
My chiropractor has a similar move set.
MCMG eventually neutralise Champa and have Gargano back in the ring. They start setting up for a second Skull and Bones and it looks like we may have new champs, but just as Shelley is getting to the top rope a Mysterious Figure In A Black HoodieTM appears on the apron, distracting the referee! While we’re trying to figure out who it is, a second Mysterious Figure In A Black HoodieTM appears! Well, not really MysteriousTM because he has his hood down and we can see it’s Angelo Dawkins from the Street Profits, who proceeds to smash his crutches over Alex Shelley’s back, causing him to fall from the top rope. This gives Gargano just enough of an opening to throw Sabin into a corner and make a tag to Champa. With Shelley prone in the center of the ring, DIY hit Meet in the Middle and Champa pins Shelley for the final fall, and they retain their titles.
They don’t have any time to celebrate though, as Montez Ford chases them out of the ring where Dawkins is waiting. The Street Profits beat down DIY, and because of TikTok and ADHD we need Michael Cole to remind us that the reason this makes sense is that DIY put the Profits on the shelf in a time beyond our attention spans, and the Profits want revenge by taking the titles back so they wanted them to retain. Do we have some honest to goodness story lines brewing in the tag division? Dare to dream folks.
Undisputed WWE Championship - Cody Rhodes vs Kevin Owens, Ladder Match
Up next, beloved champion vs the best t-shirt game in town as Cody Rhodes puts the Undisputed WWE Championship on the line against *checks notes* Kevin Owens’ Fisher-Price Playtime Birdy Belt in a ladder match. Off the bat, I have to tip my hat to Wingstop for sponsoring a match featuring the Winged Eagle belt - sometimes capitalism is pretty funny.
It doesn’t take long before the action spills out of the ring in to the crowd where Cody goes for a favourite of ours here at Nothing Rhymes With Kayfabe - the stolen beer from someone in the crowd to the face of KO.
These hipster bars with their experimental ways of serving drinks are really getting out of hand.
We brawl our way back to the ring where KO makes a couple of unsuccessful attempts at climbing the ladder in the middle of the ring. There’s a stepladder in the ring as well, which prompts Michael Cole to make a Hornswoggle reference in the year of our lord 2025.
The saddest reset.
Cody then plays the ‘mum said it’s my turn to climb the ladder’ card and takes his own shot, where he makes it to the top and gets his hands to the belts, but he’s knocked off balance and is forced to grab hold of the rope the titles are suspended from so he doesn’t fall.
Alexa, play Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus.
When he swings back to the ladder, KO meets him and manages to get him back to the mat before he can dislodge the belts and win. As KO makes another attempt to climb with Cody pinned under the ladder, Cody basically starts bench pressing the ladder to get him off.
I hate it when I go to the gym and there’s some guy there just doing too much. Like, who’s it for bro?
KO gets enough momentum to set Cody up for a Package Piledriver but Cody’s seen this one before, and manages to counter by attempting to puncture KO's Spleen and Lungs with a back body drop on to a ladder on the ground.
Pretty sure when God invented spines, she did not intend for them to bend that way.
KO recovers and sets up a fun little ladder bridge from the bottom rope to the ladder in the centre of the ring, which I’m sure is just a cute little decorative project and won’t be used for anything nefarious.
Ok well I’ll just go fuck myself then.
As both men are being attended to by doctors and officials, Sami Zayn pops up. You know, just to see what all everyone’s up to. KO stumbles to his feet, still hellbent on winning this thing, and lines Cody up for a Stunner, which Cody counters into Cross Rhodes. KO rolls out of the ring but manages to grab Cody’s foot to stop him climbing the ladder. Cody joins him on the floor where he introduces KO’s face to The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk.
Sami’s in the background going ‘dude these things are supposed to break!’
KO manages to get Cody up on to The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk where he once again sets up for a Package Piledriver, but Cody counters by getting KO on his back and hitting an Alabama Slam onto a ladder that had been set up earlier between the ring and desk. It’s one of those spots that is so well executed and hits so hard that everyone on commentary is quiet for a couple of seconds because there’s a chance that KO might actually be dead.
As you might guess, this gives Cody enough time to get back into the ring, retrieve his title and this one is wrapped.
Shout out to whoever was directing this. This shot goes hard.
Cody may have walked out of Lucas Oil Stadium with his title, but honestly? I think Kevin Owens might be the best wrestler going at the moment. By the way, it is WILD that in 2025 we had a match where a weirdly high percentage of the commentary time was dedicated to calling KO fat or unfit under the guise of talking about his ‘physique’. Miss me with that shit.
Men’s Rumble
We’re almost three hours into this PLE and while your intrepid recapper searches for caffeine, it’s time for the Men’s Rumble. To get us started, we have Rey Mysterio (#1) and the chico más nuevo en el bloque, Penta (#2). Sometimes wrestling is about the pageantry and over the top shit, but not right now.
Just genuinely fucking cool. That’s it.
I’ve been watching Penta in AEW for a couple of years now and the guy is the real deal. He’s insanely talented, quick and strong and great in the air like you would expect from one of the greatest luchadores of all time, and I just really hope that the WWE Universe gets to see what I see in-
Fun fact, I’m watching the livestream replay from Netflix to do this recap but I had to get this screenshot from elsewhere because they’ve edited this spot to use another camera angle which doesn’t show him touching.
We aren’t going to talk about it.
At #3, Chad Gable is in. The commentary team keep referring to his ‘Luchadore problem’ like a euphemism you use in your family to talk about your Grandad’s racism. They are joined by Carmelo Hayes (#4), Santos Escobar (#5) and Otis (#6), who gets welcomed to the ring by a crowd that loves him…and Wade Barrett on commentary calling him fat.
It. Is. Twenty. Twenty. Five.
At #7, Bron Breakker sprints to the ring and hits a diving spear on Melo. Breakker capitalises and throws Melo out for the first elimination of the night. We’re off!
Melo Bron don’t miss.
Bron follows up with a spear to Santos who has Penta on his shoulders. He picks up Santos and sends him over the top rope for the second elimination of the night.
As Akira Tozawa (#8) makes his way to the ring, he passes Melo who decides that actually, Tozawa’s not entering the Rumble. Melo cleans his clock, leaving him out cold in the entrance way. Adam Pearce and some officials help him to the back, where Triple H orders IShowSpeed into the Rumble to replace him. I do not know this man but the crowd seems pumped.
This is maybe the funniest tweet I’ve ever read.
Speed helps Bron eliminate Otis, and then decides that would be a good time to do a backflip. Bron Breakker responds as any of do when confronted with Youths, i.e. with rage. While Speed is basking in the crowd response, Bron hits the ropes twice and delivers probably the best spear he’s ever hit.
I don’t love stunt casting, but if it results in more of this I’m all for it.
Bron gets Speed above his head and throws him out of the ring where Otis catches him, thus technically saving him from elimination. That reprieve is momentary though, as Otis gets payback for his elimination and Speed replacing his friend by tossing him into The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk, and Speed hits hard and falls to the floor for the fourth elimination of the match. Otis gets the credit for that one but Breakker threw him out, so as far as we’re concerned, Bron is batting .1000 so far.
In at #12, we have a bunch of weirdly racist adjectives in a red singlet - at least that’s how the commentary team seems to see the ‘wild’, ‘lawless’, ‘feral’, ‘unhinged’ ‘thug’ Jacob Fatu.
Seriously.
As Fatu climbs into the ring Penta approaches, and as he is giving his signature ‘Cero Miedo’ to Fatu, Jacob clocks him.
Cero Miedo? More like…cero teeth left in your head. Is this anything?
Fatu quickly moves the match along, eliminating Gable, Rey and Andrade (#11) in about a minute. Fatu and Breakker start to face off but Jimmy Uso (#10) and Sheamus (#9) break that party up with a kick to each of them.
Ludwig Kaiser is our thirteenth entrant, which proves to be very unlucky as he lasts six seconds before being eliminated by Penta.
It took me longer to get this screenshot than Ludwig lasted in the match.
At #15, Scotland’s real Ambassador to the US makes his hotly anticipated Rumble debut - it’s Joe Hendry time!
Big high fives to the graphics team for this one.
Hendry gets a great pop and follows it up with some nice initial work in the ring. He starts to get the crowd clapping and stomping along to the tune of We Will Rock You, when Fatu decides he’s heard enough and knocks him to the ground. Sheamus doesn’t take kindly to his entertainment being interrupted and picks a fight with Fatu as we start counting down to #16.
Probably the funniest moment of the night.
Once that countdown is over, Roman Reigns’ music hits to a huge pop. He gets in to the ring and hits a spear on The Miz (#14) and eliminates him, and quickly scores two more as he spears and dispenses of Sheamus and Joe Hendry in short order.
Reigns locks eyes with Bron Breakker and they both wind up to deliver spears, but Breakker is quicker and gets his spear off first. I like to think that moment was a little passing of the torch, an acknowledgement (see what I did there aren’t I clever?) of Bron by Roman. But like all good things, this moment must end, and it does so with Bron trying to eliminate Roman, getting reversed, and ending up eliminated himself at the hands of the OTC.
Jimmy helps Roman up and it looks like we might see the OG Bloodline clean house for a minute, but Fatu seizes the moment and delivers a superkick to Big Jim, making for little resistance as Fatu throws him over the rope to the ground.
‘I helped out my cousin at the Royal Rumble and all I got was this lousy concussion.’
Penta is still in this thing, his plot armor having protected him since the opening bell, and is facing a double team from Fatu and FNN BLR (#18). Penta gets a little breathing room and jumps off Finn’s back to deliver a Mexican Destroyer to Fatu.This rules and is one of the most cleanly hit moves of the night, but Balor sees an opportunity while he’s recovering, and manages to eliminate him. Will that stint of Penta’s be long enough to claim this year’s Iron Man? There’s still 11 entrants to come…
…and the first of those at #20 is Jey Uso! The crowd absolutely loses it.
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a wrestler this capital O Over. Yeet.
Jey starts by squaring off with Finn and hitting a spear on Drew before throwing hands with Jacob. After the initial flurry of activity, Shinsuke Nakamura (#19) decides he wants a piece and Jey decides it’s time for Shinsuke to go, actually, earning him his first elimination and the 15th of the match.
This is the same face I make when it’s 10:28am and the kid behind the counter at McDonald’s won’t let me order breakfast.
Spot #21 sees the return of AJ Styles! We haven’t seen him since October and the crowd welcomes him back with a big pop. He faces off with Fatu and gets in a couple of classic AJ Styles moves before Fatu manages a high back drop which slows the pace. It’s just as well everyone is taking a second to catch their breath too, because one big SOB is in at #22. Braun Strowman charges to the ring and takes aim directly at Fatu, hoping to get a little payback for the way their match at Saturday Night’s Main Event ended.
Fatu and Strowman go at each other and Strowman is able to hit a cross body on Fatu which gives him enough breathing room to get Fatu up on his shoulders and throw him out. Fatu does his part for the safety of the locker room and channels his anger into an attempt to dismantle The Career Ender 9000 Super Inflexible Commentary Desk.
Alas, the motherfucker remains undefeated.
While Fatu finishes scaring the white men on commentary, we start counting down to entrant #23, and it’s finally time: the champ is here to enter his last Royal Rumble match!
Cena and cameraman Stu is one of the great relationships of our age.
Cena quickly gives the crowd what they came for as he manages to pull down on the top rope and a charging Strowman goes over the top and out to the floor. While Cena is celebrating, Balor gets him over the top rope and out onto the apron. When Finn realises he hasn’t eliminated Cena he charges back at him, getting close enough for Cena to scoop him up and hit an Attitude Adjustment, sending Finn into the waiting arms of Strowman who was clearly supposed to catch him…but doesn’t. Finn’s out too.
Resting botch face.
CM Punk is up next at #24, and he climbs into the ring to have a standoff with Cena and Reigns which lasts the rest of the two minutes between his entrance and the next competitor, so before anything can happen we count down to #25 and it’s time for Seth Rollins to join the party. He has history with all three of these dudes but decides to focus on the most recent past as he sprints to the ring and flies straight at Punk. The other guys in the ring (Uso, Styles and McIntyre) suddenly remember they’re in the middle of a match and decide to start brawling. As the action heats up, Dominik Mysterio’s music hits as he enters at #26.
He hits a frog splash from the top rope on Cena, before trying the three amigos on Roman which results in him getting countered and laid out in the corner. While Roman is dealing with him, we get Sami Zayn entering at #27 and Damian Priest at #28.
You can’t say he isn’t living up to the bisexual Undertaker label.
Priest is the first of the fresh entrants to score an elimination as he hits a South of Heaven on Dominik and sends him over the top. As Mysterio makes his way to the back, the countdown to #29 begins and LA Knight (yeaaaaaaah) makes his first Rumble appearance. He and Jey start slugging it out in the middle of the ring to a chorus of yeets and yeahs.
Yeet vs Yeah is the new Edward vs Jacob. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Sami helps Roman to his feet, and Drew pushes Roman into Sami and then manages to get him on to the apron. Jey comes to his aid and succeeds in distracting McIntyre, but as he lines up for a super kick on Drew, Drew dodges and Jey accidentally sends the Honorary Uce flying to the floor. It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it is the 20th elimination of the evening.
We don’t have time to feel for Sami though, as it’s time for our final entrant of the night. At #30, it’s several grifts in a trenchcoat, better known as Logan Paul.
Me listening to 75,000+ people booing the shit of Logan Paul.
Paul’s entrance is quickly followed by another elimination. McIntyre is dragging Jey towards the ropes, and Priest follows them and uses Drew’s momentum against him to get him over the top rope and out of the Rumble.
MFW I’m going to take LA Knight’s head off the next time I see him.
Logan Paul is responsible for executing this year’s The Floor Is LavaTM spot, and while he’s on the commentary desk jawing LA Knight hits a Blunt Force Trauma on Priest in the ring, and then throws him out of the match. Knight then goes after Seth, and after he delivers a hip bump to Rollins in the corner, AJ Styles picks Knight up and sends him on his way. As Paul is trying to make his way back to the ring by balancing on the barricade, Styles is dumped onto the apron by Rollins. Logan takes this opportunity to jump from the barricade to the ring steps, and pull Styles off the apron, eliminating the Phenomenal One from proceedings.
We’re down to six - Cena, Jey, Roman, Punk, Rollins and Paul. Everyone starts to pair off and fight until we’re eventually left with Rollins and Roman standing.
Hang it in the Louvre.
They duke it out and Seth looks for a stomp which he misses, Roman tries to hit a Superman punch which Seth counters into an attempted Pedigree, which Roman in turn counters by getting Seth on his shoulders and trying to dump him out of the ring. Seth pushes them back away from the ropes and Roman tries again on the other side of the ring where he gets Seth over but he clings to the top rope with everything he has. As Roman tries to make him let go, Punk scrambles to his feet and flips Roman over the top rope, and the momentum eliminates them both. Paul sees what happened and thinks ‘hey, I can do that too’ and he eliminates CM Punk.
Heartbreaking: the worst person you know just made a great elimination.
We’re down to three, but before we can get to that we have to have a little Royal Rumble Untucked moment as Rollins, Reigns and Punk continue the fight on the outside. Seth stomps Roman and then starts swinging on Punk as officials move in to try and break them up. Roman is pulling himself up on the ring stairs as Rollins breaks free of the referees and stomps him again, before the three of them disperse.
Back to the in-ring action, and Jey and Paul start slugging it out. Cena gets involved and manages to get both Jey and Logan up on his shoulders, looking for a double Attitude Adjustment. Jey slips off and lands a superkick to Logan, and Cena abandons the move to throw a dazed Paul out of the ring.
Wade Barrett called this ‘the most popular eviction of the night’. He’s not wrong.
And then there were two: the most over man in the company right now and arguably the most over man of all time will finish this one off. They start trading blows and Cena gets Jey into position and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Jey gets up and Cena puts him on his shoulders, ready to hit the Attitude Adjustment. Jey gets off and super kicks him against the ropes. Cena fights back into the center of the ring and after a lock up, Jey hits a spear and both men are down. As they struggle to their feet, Jey looks for an elimination, but Cena reverses. He gets Jey over the top rope but not out of the match, but he doesn’t realise and begins celebrating. Once he notices that Jey isn't out yet, Cena runs at him and Jey pulls down the top rope and now both men are precariously balanced on the apron. After trading blows out there for a minute Jey hits a super kick but Cena just manages to hang on! Cena gets Jey on his shoulders again, because that’s worked so well thus far, but Jey slides off and back inside the ring. From the safety of the inside of the ropes, Jey manages to shove Cena which sends him to the floor.
Jey Uso is your 2025 Men’s Royal Rumble Champion! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.
This was a nice moment.
If you made it this far, thanks. All the fights have been fought and we have reached the point of the PLE where Michael Cole’s voice is breaking like he’s going through puberty, which means we are done here. Hope you enjoyed it and see you for the next one!